As Dicks are wont to do, Dick Nixon lied, cheated, and refused to take “no” for an answer until the veeeeery last second. Thankfully, in the fight between Dick vs. Wood(ward and Bernstein), this Tricky Dick wasn’t as big as he thought — and America used protection. Even without this totally needless racist penis confession, the most casual Taylor Swift or Jessica Simpson fan knows John Mayer is (allegedly) an enormous, unmitigated dick. He better thank his lucky stars for Richard Nixon, because this bonehead seems practically flaccid next to history’s worst Dick. Also, John’s dad is named Richard…so I guess Dick begets dick. Eventually, Dick drove the captain mad, and Ahab perished in his pursuit of the Dick that got away. It’s a cautionary tale for Dick lovers the world over: even the largest Dick on earth isn’t worth dying for. I’ve never actually attended a performance of Willy’s Dick play because sometimes I can just sense when a Dick won’t bring me any pleasure. However, an English professor once told me that Dick III was quite controversial in its day — and I’m inclined to believe someone when they tell me a Dick doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. I would’ve ranked Dick Tracy higher on this list if he was a P.I. instead of a police detective because there’s nothing better than a private Dick. From Ariana Grande to Kim Kardashian, it almost feels like someone left the gate open, and now Pete’s Big Dick Energy is going ham on some of Hollywood’s biggest stars. 30–50 feral hogs, indeed.
